is it love or is it hyperfixation?

An ADHDer's guide to ignoring your situationship.

The inspiration behind this week’s issue of girl online is a now-deleted query on sub-Reddit r/women titled “I am sick of not having the power in romantic relationships.” (Same OP, Same!)

The post was written by a woman lamenting about how being ADHD can make dating, especially situationships difficult to navigate. “I’m very selective with who I date, I never go out with guys I would consider a**holes,” she clarifies before proceeding to ask whether her ADHD made her personality too intense and why she invests too much emotional energy into random hookups.

“I always feel like I’m in love after I have sex, so I spend the next few days wanting to cuddle and kiss and snuggle with whoever I was with. It feels like whichever man it happens to be that time doesn’t also feel that way. Then they text me after two weeks again after I’ve essentially gone through all stages of heartbreak for them,” she confesses. “I am on a rollercoaster of ‘happy from sex’ to ‘depressed and waiting to be texted’.”

Okay, Abha, but why do you care so much?

Well, I am a situationship veteran with ADHD. In the two years I was active in the dating scene, I have been in six situationships and OP’s experience has been pretty much mine.

I had always thought that I was wired differently — which is technically correct if you have ADHD — and wasn’t meant for casual flings which my friends were so adept at. When you have ADHD, things that seem like common sense for neurotypical people feel foreign to us — caffeine makes us sleepy, self-control is a myth, and motivation is an urban legend, except if it concerns that one task I’ve been hyperfixating on all week.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Our dopamine-deficient brains do give us some superpowers, or like author and entrepreneur Peter Shankman calls us, we are “faster than normal.” We are great problem-solvers, super adaptive and creative with new perspectives about mundane things. It is just that we need to figure out our own ways around some things that come naturally to others.

Situationships are one of those things.

I do not claim that everyone with ADHD has trouble navigating situationships or casual flings. If you don’t, good for you! If you do, I feel you and read on. If you don’t have ADHD but would like to take back the power in your relationships anyway, you can also stay back.

The thing with me is that, when it comes to situationships, I am not “too emotionally invested” in the person, but I do need constant validation from them, which makes me confused — am I in love with them?

“The intense need for validation from your partner comes from your neurobiological need for dopamine regulation. If your partner isn't able to give you consistent attention, your brain perceives it as a sign of rejection,” Ruchi Ruuh, relationship counsellor and therapist based in Delhi, India answers my question. “ADHD brains are wired to seek dopamine. Relationships — particularly new ones — provide a surge of that neurotransmitter, making them incredibly stimulating.”

This is also why we feel like “we are in love” after sexual intimacy. After sex, everyone experiences the release of oxytocin, the hormone that creates emotional bonding. However, those with ADHD might feel this bond more intensely because our brain chemistry is already wired to seek emotional and sensory highs. Sexual activities provide instant gratification — the feeling of high we chase all our lives. This tricks our brain into misinterpreting it as a deeper connection than it is.

So basically, if you have ADHD and you catch yourself mentally chasing that mediocre man after a moderately pleasant first date, don’t beat yourself over it. You are not in love with him. You are just starved for dopamine and your date is the new dopamine-inducing drug in town. The chances are, you could replace them with an iron rod and you’d still feel the same way. This is also why after the first few weeks you get bored and leave them high and dry. The drug isn’t fun anymore.

If any of my ex-situationships are reading this, it seems like a good time to say “It wasn’t you, it was me.” Except if you are that one a**hole — it was totally you, I was basically an angel.

Now that we have an explanation for why we seem to fall in love every Tom, Dick, and Harry, let’s move on to the more important question — “Am I too intense?”

This is a question we ADHDers ask ourselves a lot. Partly because we have been told we are. As kids, we were too active, too talkative, too energetic. As adults, we are too emotional, too forgetful, too sensitive. So why are we like this and how does this affect our chances of getting casually laid? Ruuh explains that emotional dysregulation can lead to behaviour that others might perceive as “too much.” This can result in love bombing or feelings of falling for someone too quickly, even when the relationship isn’t serious.

If you have been diagnosed with ADHD for a while, you already know that the key to managing your neurodivergence is to be as aware as possible of your triggers. If not, it completely takes over our life leaving us feeling miserable about ourselves. We have so far established that new relationships are generally a trigger for us. Learning to deal with them is important to both managing our ADHD during our casual flings and possibly having a serious relationship in the future.

In his book, “Faster Than Normal,” Peter Shankman explains the importance of setting boundaries with ourselves to manage our triggers. “To truly thrive with ADHD, you simply have to have rules,” he writes.

To take back the power in siutationships, you need to set some rules with yourself. The rules you set for yourself should be customised to deal with the specific situations in a situationship that trigger you. Here are some things to try. These are based on my personal experience and Ruuh’s expertise:

• Turn off text notifications: If your source of cheap dopamine from your situationship is the ding notifying you of a new text, turn it off. I have disabled all notifications on my devices — emails, WhatsApp, and social media. I check them regularly throughout the day and answer them on my own time, but I don’t want them distracting me when I am engaged in focused work.

• Understand your feelings: Learn to understand the difference between the transient feelings you have about your partners and their actual compatibility. Journalling is a great way to do this. Writing it down may help you give a reality check of the actual relationship. If these feelings tend to change with sex, write a note about how you feel about them generally versus after sex. The more you are in touch with yourself, the less your brain can trick you into being addicted to your fling.

• Create a routine: Now this is advice you have heard way too many times, but I am truly sorry to tell you that a routine is the first step in managing your ADHD. When it comes to your situationship also, this is an important step. Create a structure or ritual for yourself and them. Try connecting at the same time for a call. Decide on the number of times you both want to get together. These agreements and boundaries will help you both to feel more secure in the time apart and help with pacing the relationship intensity.

• Find quality sources of dopamine: If you truly want to regain the power in your relationships, you need to replace it as your primary source of dopamine with a more quality source. Work towards creating an active, sustainable system to fulfil your dopamine requirements beyond temporary romantic/physical relationships. Exercise and cooking help me.

At the end of the day, managing our ADHD-specific triggers is a life-long endeavour, and I hope this little insight from me helps you navigate your relationships better. Remember, you’re not broken. You are just different — not scary different but good different. Now go and take back the power in your situationship.